the struggle

Everything was great yet something was missing.

I was having a chat with my manager yesterday, talking about promotion and he seemed less interested in that and wanted me to be great instead.

Then in the morning I did this tweet storm

So I signed up for Tennis classes every morning when I get up for 6.30 to stop alarm there's a fight between Angel and Devil

Angel trying to get me to go, 😈 convincing me to just go back to sleep

For the first week Angel won thanks to beginner's enthusiasm, but for last week Devil has been winning

Every morning Devil asks me "...but why? You are not 16, your time for sports is gone." Angel sheepishly says "...but Fitness?" "...but hobby" and 😈 just points to bed and tells me sleep and focus on day job and not on this frivolous activities

😈 puts arguments like "If you were passionate enough you wouldn't have to argue so much" Angel: "Bro that's a good a argument tbh"

How can I be great when I can't even get myself to get up early and go to Tennis class?

Then later last night I was taking to a senior person in the office last night and he said "be willing to spend time in uncomfortable spots"

Soon after that chat, I slept with a bottle of Listerine next to my bed - the idea being that when I get up in the morning to shut the alarm, I can pour some listerine in my mouth and that'll instantly wake me up. And anyway I'll have to rush to bathroom to spit it out. The bottle recommends to keep it in mouth for thirty seconds or so only.

Then the alarm went off in the morning, I turned off one, then the one on other phone which was deliberately kept far away – and then I slept.

So now I am spending time in the uncofortable spot. I have been reading self-help books all day. It's hard to find a self help book which is not complete garbage. Actually, to someone or other most of them probably aren't, but when a self help-book starts with a section on "Finding you calling" and gives anecdotes like

Finally, in a flash, it came to Wolfgang: it was never really the piano that was his love, nor even music per se. He did not enjoy performing before others like a puppet. It was composing that he was destined for; but more than that, he had an intense love for the theater.

Call me a cynic but it's highly unlikely that happened.

Off to next self-help book.

You know the whole Tennis thing, it's possible that it's just a matter of me being lazy but I want to believe there is more to in that that. It shouldn't be impossible to get up at 6.30 and play, right? But then how am expecting a decade of habit of getting up post 9am to change in a week, or even a month. The problem is that I am miserable everytime I get up early, I am sleepy all day, I am not productive and imagine being not productive at you day job for a month! Well, it shouldn't be that bad. Plus there are weekends and with some days off here and there, I should be able to give my 80% on most days.

Another question my sleepy groggy heart asks me every morning is "why? You have never followed Tennis, you are not a fan in any sense - why Tennis when you are not passionate about it?" And well, I like the idea of it. I see myself hitting a good forehand and I like that person. I like the idea of being a person who gets up in the morning to play Tennis.

This whole thing is a big convinving game anyway, no? Depression - your brain in convinced you are fucked beyond repair. If you can convince it otherwise, well power to you, play the game. I used to think am I cheating myself by going to therapy, because let's be honest a therapist doesn't do shit. I know that stuff already. But then I thought if that fools the brain for, say, an hour that things will be better then fuck it. Let's do it.

In the same way, I want to go through this struggle because I am convinced I'll come out better out of it. Maybe even great and that'd make my manager happy for sure.

(skip spellcheck, skip re-read, hit publish)